Saying Goodbye

Strength in adversity...that is what it is all about right now...
We took Mom off of the respirator on Monday...and all of us were gathered like angels around her bed. Aaron found an immediate bus ride from Champaign, I called Ben out of High School and Tyler left a full school day at Lewis. We were all there for that brief moment when they take her off of sedation, take the tubes out of her mouth and she is lucid for awhile. It really was awesome. When she realized what was happening, and that she wasn't going to get better she rolled her eyes at us, shook her head and said clearly "shit!" And we said "right on Mommy! Right on!"
We all hung on her every word and even had some laughs. We told some stories and shed some tears. We said our goodbyes and expected her to go on her journey soon...and she is still here! We spent the entire last two days at her side. We know she knows we are there, but she can't talk. She is on comfort care. Today Ben has been playing music for hours.
Every morning I have been chanting for two hours for her...for my sister...for Mom's wonderful grandchildren...and to somehow have something so beautiful, so rare, so sweet~sweet Jan come from this experience. How can I, as a Buddhist have this experience be an encouraging one? We Buddhists believe in turning every poison into medicine.
How will that happen? I honestly don't know. All I see for the moment is my aching, aching heart. But stay tuned. And please, if you can, chant for her, and for all of us who are already missing her so much.