This week my son Ben and I spent many hours together when I went to bring him home from college. He was filled with appreciation for me. His eyes are opening up to how much he appreciates having me as a Mom, and Paul as a Dad.
Buddhist parenting is such a joy! It is so reassuring to be able to use this practice to gain insight and wisdom in how to raise children. Like many parents, my two boys are the great loves of my life. I adore them, and it has been the most-fulfilling work of my life to have the honor of mentoring and protecting these two precious souls. I have many questions coming from readers about parenting, so I will be posting about parenting from time to time, and creating material for a book for you.
First - some basics:
What has been my goal in parenting?
My parenting goals - my children should :
Have a strong sense of self and know their own power
Be Happy
Be Fulfilled
Be Socially and academically successful
For them to have goals for their lives and follow their dreams
For them to KNOW they have the ultimate tool to solve their problems: Daimoku
Be Healthy
Be Filled with hope and vitality
Practice this Buddhism to create the life of their dreams
For them to believe in themselves!
First things first:
Before my first child was born I chanted a million daimoku to be financially successful enough to be able to spend time with him. I ended up having a substantial income and working only 4 days a week so I could have a "Mommy and Baby Day" every Wednesday.
I also chanted to be mature and have wisdom as a mother.
I chanted for their karma while they were in the womb.
I thought about all the suffering I had gone through as a child (I mentioned before that I didn't have many friends and was very lonely) and chanted for their karma to be changed by the time they were born.
I chanted for their health and for their dreams to come true.
After they were born the real fun began.
I loved having babies. And I loved them at every stage of growth. I was always on the floor playing with them whenever I could.
I knew this time was fleeting...I knew that before I knew it these two precious babies would be all grown. And in the blink of an eye they are now in their twenties. I was right.
They began chanting right away...just after they started talking.
One day they came to me saying they'd had bad dreams and I said "Oh that's easy! Let's sit down and chant about this and the bad dreams will go away immediately!" And the bad dreams vanished.
We had one important rule we always stuck by: "Stop Means Stop." The rule was just as it says...if you are playing with someone and they want you to stop doing something "stop means stop." They shouldn't have to plead or beg or fight. Stop means stop. This rule was perfect. It worked from the very beginning. My children learned respect for each other. Stop means stop!
I knew that I could never allow them to physically fight with each other. I saw families where physical fighting was the norm. Stop Means Stop was really helpful!
One day, they began to get into their first real fight over some toy. I stayed calm. I called them into the Gohonzon room and I said, "Common guys! We're going to sit down and chant to never fight again and to really love your brother." And I know this sounds almost impossible but they just said "Okay Mommy!" and sat down and chanted. And they never fought again. This is the truth. They have always been very close, and supported each other.
Throughout their High School years they were always saying "We don't know anyone as close to their brothers as we are."
I always look for the good in them. Always. My theory is that each child already thinks they are somehow inherently BAD. I know I felt that way. I had terrible self-esteem, and people were always picking on me, just like they pick on everyone it seems. So I felt it was my mission as a mother to reinforce how GOOD my boys were...to always comment on the good things they were doing, and to not focus on anything else. What you focus on increases. I increased the GOOD by saying "I am so proud of you. You ALWAYS know what is best for your life. You have so much wisdom inside you, just listen to your own heart. It knows what to do."
One time Ben made a bad decision. He followed his friends and took a key off a computer, and was caught. He felt such remorse, he was sobbing in sadness and so mad at himself. I brought him into a hug and told him about the time I was caught taking a flower from a woman's garden on the way to school. She called the school, and the Principle found me and I had to go apologize to the woman. It wasn't pleasant, but I did it. And it was over and done with. I reinforced to Ben that all people make mistakes from time to time, but that doesn't mean they are starting a downward spiral, and that doesn't mean he is BAD to the core. The very fact that he was upset was enough punishment. He did not keep doing bad things. And I continued to look for the good. The other day he mentioned this to me, and said it was just an amazing moment for him. I helped him to turn the whole incident around. I constantly reinforced his OWN wisdom.
There is so much more....every time they had challenges with friendships or anything else we headed to the Gohonzon.
I will write more about parenting.
In the meantime I hope you are enjoying the sights and sounds of the season. Tonight I went to see my songbird sing in her High School Concert. Lovely!
Buddhist parenting is such a joy! It is so reassuring to be able to use this practice to gain insight and wisdom in how to raise children. Like many parents, my two boys are the great loves of my life. I adore them, and it has been the most-fulfilling work of my life to have the honor of mentoring and protecting these two precious souls. I have many questions coming from readers about parenting, so I will be posting about parenting from time to time, and creating material for a book for you.
First - some basics:
What has been my goal in parenting?
My parenting goals - my children should :
Have a strong sense of self and know their own power
Be Happy
Be Fulfilled
Be Socially and academically successful
For them to have goals for their lives and follow their dreams
For them to KNOW they have the ultimate tool to solve their problems: Daimoku
Be Healthy
Be Filled with hope and vitality
Practice this Buddhism to create the life of their dreams
For them to believe in themselves!
First things first:
Before my first child was born I chanted a million daimoku to be financially successful enough to be able to spend time with him. I ended up having a substantial income and working only 4 days a week so I could have a "Mommy and Baby Day" every Wednesday.
I also chanted to be mature and have wisdom as a mother.
I chanted for their karma while they were in the womb.
I thought about all the suffering I had gone through as a child (I mentioned before that I didn't have many friends and was very lonely) and chanted for their karma to be changed by the time they were born.
I chanted for their health and for their dreams to come true.
After they were born the real fun began.
I loved having babies. And I loved them at every stage of growth. I was always on the floor playing with them whenever I could.
I knew this time was fleeting...I knew that before I knew it these two precious babies would be all grown. And in the blink of an eye they are now in their twenties. I was right.
They began chanting right away...just after they started talking.
One day they came to me saying they'd had bad dreams and I said "Oh that's easy! Let's sit down and chant about this and the bad dreams will go away immediately!" And the bad dreams vanished.
We had one important rule we always stuck by: "Stop Means Stop." The rule was just as it says...if you are playing with someone and they want you to stop doing something "stop means stop." They shouldn't have to plead or beg or fight. Stop means stop. This rule was perfect. It worked from the very beginning. My children learned respect for each other. Stop means stop!
I knew that I could never allow them to physically fight with each other. I saw families where physical fighting was the norm. Stop Means Stop was really helpful!
One day, they began to get into their first real fight over some toy. I stayed calm. I called them into the Gohonzon room and I said, "Common guys! We're going to sit down and chant to never fight again and to really love your brother." And I know this sounds almost impossible but they just said "Okay Mommy!" and sat down and chanted. And they never fought again. This is the truth. They have always been very close, and supported each other.
Throughout their High School years they were always saying "We don't know anyone as close to their brothers as we are."
I always look for the good in them. Always. My theory is that each child already thinks they are somehow inherently BAD. I know I felt that way. I had terrible self-esteem, and people were always picking on me, just like they pick on everyone it seems. So I felt it was my mission as a mother to reinforce how GOOD my boys were...to always comment on the good things they were doing, and to not focus on anything else. What you focus on increases. I increased the GOOD by saying "I am so proud of you. You ALWAYS know what is best for your life. You have so much wisdom inside you, just listen to your own heart. It knows what to do."
One time Ben made a bad decision. He followed his friends and took a key off a computer, and was caught. He felt such remorse, he was sobbing in sadness and so mad at himself. I brought him into a hug and told him about the time I was caught taking a flower from a woman's garden on the way to school. She called the school, and the Principle found me and I had to go apologize to the woman. It wasn't pleasant, but I did it. And it was over and done with. I reinforced to Ben that all people make mistakes from time to time, but that doesn't mean they are starting a downward spiral, and that doesn't mean he is BAD to the core. The very fact that he was upset was enough punishment. He did not keep doing bad things. And I continued to look for the good. The other day he mentioned this to me, and said it was just an amazing moment for him. I helped him to turn the whole incident around. I constantly reinforced his OWN wisdom.
There is so much more....every time they had challenges with friendships or anything else we headed to the Gohonzon.
I will write more about parenting.
In the meantime I hope you are enjoying the sights and sounds of the season. Tonight I went to see my songbird sing in her High School Concert. Lovely!
Hi, Jamie! I just found your blog and what a joy it is to read it. Thank you for starting this!
ReplyDeleteI've been practicing for over 20 years. I have a teenager daughter (15) who amazes me at the same rate she defies me. It was great reading this post to put what is important in perspective. My current challenge is how to discipline my 15 year old Buddha so she can have a balanced life that puts all her priorities :boyfriend, academics, soccer etc in correct order. She used to chant but only does so now when she's desperate. My heart aches but I know this is another chance for me to grow and change poison into medicine.
Thank you again!