Good News

Some good news amidst the chanting and crying I've been doing...today I actually found some great clothes that I'll be able to interview in. I think only women can relate to what I'm saying. You see, I've lost a total of about 70 pounds and have almost no clothes! I know, I know...it's a good thing...yet still a challenge...especially now that I'm out there networking for a job. It still shocks me when I try on a jacket that is a size 8 and it fits. Such a joy!
So after many weeks of trying things on at different stores I finally hit pay dirt.
Some of you are nodding your heads going "yes, yes!"
Seems like the right job will be right around the corner....!

A Dark Time

Yes, it is a dark time.

Seems like chanting 2 and 3 and 4 hours a day is barely scratching the surface. Mannnn, during the last three days I've chanted ten hours...and I swear, 7 of those were impossible...impossible to connect. I sit in front of my Gohonzon and I try to focus and impact my situation. I'm chanting to change myself so that my environment can change...I'm chanting from the bottom of my soul to feel love for myself...to not need it from the outside. I'm chanting for Brave and Vigorous YOUTH to arise...and chanting for my children...
And really, even with all my friends I feel so lonely and sad. Chanting and crying...chanting and crying...you just don't know till you've been there.

Kate tells me I'm in a long tunnel of human revolution. It is so dark that I can't see the light behind me, and I am so far into it that I can't see the light in front of me. But if I just keep moving forward I will have a great breakthrough, and I will experience the deepest of happiness from within. She says I need to release my attachment that love in my life has to come from another person...and to let myself just release that thought...that illusion. And that will be the key. I understand what she's saying on an intellectual level...but still I yearn...

All I know at this point is that I was born to help other people learn to chant, that I know I will break through this sadness, and that somehow I will fulfill this mission. I know I was born to experience the deepest of loves...and I am determined that the deepest, most fulfilling love will be mine. But it seems a long way from where I am to where I want to be. And I'm missing my Mom so much.
My real hope in going through this is to be able to encourage people when they are faced with these kinds of challenges.
I am so ready for a breakthrough...and so hungry all the time...and so determined not to gain back the weight I lost. I'm solving the problem of my sore leg...I will NEVER be driven to the top of my favorite hiking mountain again! I'm doing my exercises and I am already in a lot less pain.
I feel like I felt 25 years ago at the beginning of my practice...my prayer then was "I've been happy before - I can be happy again - get me out of this!" Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo!

Meteor in the sky!

Last night there was a huge meteor (we think) that light up the sky in the midwest...my son saw it in Champaign, but no one around him saw it. When I told him it actually happened he was really relieved! He thought maybe he'd imagined it!

That reminds me of Nichiren Daishonin...one of the times he was being persecuted he was being taken to the beach at Tatsunokuchi. He asked to be able to pray to a statue of Hachiman on the way. He YELLED his prayer to the god...he said (and I paraphrase freely here) "You VOWED to protec the votary of the Lotus Sutra! If you do not protect me and I die, the FIRST thing I will do is report you for not protecting me!"
Then they went to the beach to behead him and lo and behold a huge fireball came out of the sky and lit up all their faces and the soldiers couldn't behead him, and in fact some became his followers at that time! Now THATS the way to chant...Such fierce determination in that prayer to Hachiman...we can all learn from it!

A great Year to be part of the SGI!

Well, all I can say is I am just glowing.
I am constantly chanting for brave and vigorous youth to arise!

This is such a great year to be a Soka Gakkai Youth Division member! Youth are up to the age 35 in our organization.

This is the year for ROCK THE ERA! On July 10th 2010, the University of Illinois Pavilion in Chicago will be filled with 8000 youth from 20 states...performing in many ways...dancing...singing...playing instruments!

It is a time to get involved and support from behind the scenes or stand up front and center and let your light shine! Everywhere I turn I see brilliant youth! Everywhere I go people want to hear about this marvelous practice!

And I am building a website to help people to achieve the same kinds of benefits that I have achieved...I will be helping people to create their own Delightful Lives! More about that later.

In the meantime Join ME!

If you're not already chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo I invite you to give it a try. It's the type of thing that can not be described...it is purely experiential.
YOU ALONE have the power to tap the infinite life force you hold inside. Are you courageous enough to give it a try?

Victory!

Hello! Today was so cold in Chicago! I'm really getting used to the warm weather and glad it will be back this weekend.
I completed my 2 hours of chanting all at one time this morning before I went off on my day. I almost stopped at one hour...not feeling really connected to my prayer...feeling a little sluggish. But then I told myself to fight hard...to fight now...and my prayer got stronger and I was chanting my vow to achieve victory in all area of my life. Chanting is always a struggle against the negative forces within my life at every moment! This morning I won!
Today was all about my son Ben.
He stayed home today to catch up on work from his vacation - AND his knee had begun hurting yesterday. That is very bad for Ben! Running is so important to him and he's in the middle of his Junior year track season in High School. And he is FAST...mannnn he is fast. He treats running like I treat chanting...he doesn't skimp...he often runs more than anyone else...he is fully self motivated. So the goal of the day was to get him in to see his fitness guru who keeps his muscles in gear. Only the Dr. was booked all day! So Ben did gongyo (not his favorite thing) and chanted strong daimoku with me this morning. We both chanted so hard for his knee...he also chanted to have the power to get through all the school work he was faced with.
He called the Dr's office and said it was an emergency...and so did his father. When I got out of my appointment at 2:00 he had not been called in to the Dr. yet. I called and nicely reminded them how important this was...and found out that the little note to the Dr had fallen off the wall. The receptionist put it back up and Ben was called within 15 minutes!
The Dr visit went well...Ben's knee is fine...he just has to use his muscle roller on one particular muscle and he can keep right on running...it was the perfect news. The knee is no big deal - carry on!
It was a great lesson for Ben in many different ways...chanting starts it out...but determined action keeps it going. Go Ben GO!!!

On top of Mt. Tam with Amy!

Here we are on top of my favorite mountain!
Yes! That is San Francisco you see in the background...right by my head. And you can see Sausalito, Tiburon, Angel Island. What beautiful days! What beautiful friends!

With my Buddhist Mentor Amos!

Amos taught me so much. He was the speaker at the first Buddhist meeting I attended. I thought the chanting sounded weird...like buzzing bees. Amos said to me
"You are never going to be able to practice this Buddhism...it is way too hard!"
So of course I worked harder than ever to learn gongyo (the recitation from the Lotus Sutra we do twice a day).
Amos also encouraged me to chant for my true desires...saying
"You a Buddhist DREAM BIG!"