A Dark Time

Yes, it is a dark time.

Seems like chanting 2 and 3 and 4 hours a day is barely scratching the surface. Mannnn, during the last three days I've chanted ten hours...and I swear, 7 of those were impossible...impossible to connect. I sit in front of my Gohonzon and I try to focus and impact my situation. I'm chanting to change myself so that my environment can change...I'm chanting from the bottom of my soul to feel love for myself...to not need it from the outside. I'm chanting for Brave and Vigorous YOUTH to arise...and chanting for my children...
And really, even with all my friends I feel so lonely and sad. Chanting and crying...chanting and crying...you just don't know till you've been there.

Kate tells me I'm in a long tunnel of human revolution. It is so dark that I can't see the light behind me, and I am so far into it that I can't see the light in front of me. But if I just keep moving forward I will have a great breakthrough, and I will experience the deepest of happiness from within. She says I need to release my attachment that love in my life has to come from another person...and to let myself just release that thought...that illusion. And that will be the key. I understand what she's saying on an intellectual level...but still I yearn...

All I know at this point is that I was born to help other people learn to chant, that I know I will break through this sadness, and that somehow I will fulfill this mission. I know I was born to experience the deepest of loves...and I am determined that the deepest, most fulfilling love will be mine. But it seems a long way from where I am to where I want to be. And I'm missing my Mom so much.
My real hope in going through this is to be able to encourage people when they are faced with these kinds of challenges.
I am so ready for a breakthrough...and so hungry all the time...and so determined not to gain back the weight I lost. I'm solving the problem of my sore leg...I will NEVER be driven to the top of my favorite hiking mountain again! I'm doing my exercises and I am already in a lot less pain.
I feel like I felt 25 years ago at the beginning of my practice...my prayer then was "I've been happy before - I can be happy again - get me out of this!" Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo!