Monday, August 30, 2010

Hip Surgery Successful

OK, I'm not going to say that it was fun...having my right hip replaced...but I think the worst is over and I am home recovering. Yes, I am using my Mom's walker...and I am still on pain meds...but I look forward to the day that I won't be on meds and won't be in pain and will be able to climb to the top of Mt. Tamalpais (or any other mountain) on my own.
I really had an amazing doctor, and this new anterior approach to hip surgery does cut down on recovery time etc...but it is still major surgery.

There are two things I observed. One is that the anesthesia and surgery affected me more emotionally than I thought it would. I went into the surgery pretty calm, and came out of it scared to death...and remained scared and frail for several days.
The other important benefit I see is how much I have changed my "friend" karma over the years. Oh my goodness, there were so many wonderful people to support me all along the way. And they were surprised when I answered their requests for "what can I bring?" SO now I have the September issues of all my favorite magazines! I've got to say the Vogue this month really rocks! Every page is a feast for the eyes...many of men and women...lots of fashion. I've been reading it for days and it will take me weeks to finish! dear friends have been connecting with me from all over the world. And let me tell you my life wasn't always like this, oh no. I was severely "friend challenged" for many years. I remember sitting in front of my Gohonzon and crying in San Francisco, and only having a few friends my whole life before that. I've really changed some karma here. There are so many people I care deeply about...and so many who saw me through some rough times.
Right now I'm busy editing this blog to turn it into a book! I'm so excited about this. And I'm preparing for my 50th birthday coming up on the 22nd of September.

I still can't believe I had the courage to do this. When I got home a few days ago I chanted in wonder that I could have done such a scary thing. I thanked my life for having the courage....for being strong enough to take the medicine...for undergoing the whole thing.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

My 17 year old editor

It turns out that my son Ben is an incredibly talented editor. I'm going through the last year of the blog and preparing it for publishing...and Ben can just see and feel exactly what I want to say. He has enough distance from the material to be able to question parts that are really too vague, and enough closeness with me to know the heart of my message.

What lovely days these are...enjoying summer...enjoying my new tiny self...and creating...creating...creating!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Here we are...

A year later..and so much stronger.

Think of how much I have changed.

A year ago marriage was finished, had been finished for some time...but I was too scared to do anything about it. My whole life was on hold. It felt like it wasn't my "real" life...that somehow my "real" life would start only when I'd gotten the courage to make the changes I knew I had to make. But I didn't have that courage last by a long shot.

...I had recently regained some of the weight I was always struggling to was going up...up...up when I started this blog.

...I was hobbling in pain, and determined to solve it...

...I was a "closet" writer. I had dreams of publishing and writing many books to help people. I'd seen how Buddhist parenting worked with my own kids, and what marvelous men they are blossoming into...all without ever hitting them, and without them fighting with each other. I'd seen how powerfully this practice impacted the work environment...and all my relationships. I always felt I had so much to share...but when I sat down to write a book it felt contrite...forced...and I lacked any confidence.

What I did have was hope. I had a practice that had seen me through life for the last 24 years...and it was time to really put the wheels in motion and challenge myself to chant two hours a day.

And because of the deep desire to have my life impact others...I started this blog, and took you all on my journey.

Through this year we went through some additional heartbreak...even Buddhists cannot avoid problems...or death. And as you know, my sweet Mommy died in November. And after that I realized with new wisdom, that my life was going to end too...and I couldn't keep it on hold any longer. I really could not keep my life in dress rehearsal mode any longer. So I summoned the courage, based on my prayers to access the power of the universe within, to put the divorce in motion.

And ironically I was laid off of my job...but the courage didn't fade...the courage had become a part of my life. And even as I am writing this I do not know exactly how I will carry it all off. I just know that I will.

And over the year...the heartbreak became less and less..the sadness still comes every once in a while but it is not as deep and I continue to challenge it with chanting.

And I stand here today with a whole new life ahead of without pain...I hope!
...One where I live permanently seventy pounds lighter... I share eventually with a new partner who will delight me as much as I delight him...
...and a blooming confidence in my own ability to live the life of my dreams as a writer.

It is no coincidence that my favorite publishing house...the one I always knew would be best for my works...Hay House of course...just established a self publishing arm. It took exactly a minute for me to decide to publish through them, Balboa Press.

So a new journey is beginning. After one year I have an entirely new life. I will still be blogging...and inspiring more and more and more and more...

Monday, August 2, 2010

A year of chanting!

What have I learned?
How have I grown?

I have challenged so much during this year of chanting 2 hours a day.

This month on the 19th I will face hip surgery to replace my right hip. A year ago I was not able to even think about this! I feel strong now, and I will be ready for this surgery...and it will help me to get back to hiking, dancing, walking!

I have greatly overcome the deep, deep sadness I used to feel all the time. I no longer live at the depths of my sadness. I have raised the level of the feelings I feel most often. I have turned a major page. I still have a ways to go...but there has been a major change.

I am in the process of creating a new life for myself.
At the moment I am working on turning this blog into a you can read it from start to finish...and so that you can really benefit from it.

I am in the process of creating a whole new life for myself after the surgery. I will create a new job for myself and a new home. Obviously I can't stop chanting yet!

I no longer feel hungry for food all the time.

I am aware of many things I have yet to change.

Today I sat and wrote a whole new list of goals.

I like to start my goals with the phrase "Wouldn't it be nice if..."
I'll share some of them with you tomorrow~