In the SGI, our wonderful organization, as you know, we have something called guidance. Guidance is a bit of a paradox, because sometimes when we need it most our life conditions are so low that we can't seem to find it. That's one reason I have cultivated so many inspiring friends in faith to help me along the way. Real guidance is something that can change our outlook and help us face the Gohonzon with renewed vigor, strength and determination. For me, it is not just a matter of passively receiving it. I chant before guidance to be able to really hear it...to be open to it, and to let it transform my life and propel my daimoku and my life. And I write down every word of guidance.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to get guidance with a senior leader. I connected with her through a leader I speak with often. My heart is full of gratitude.
All along, throughout my son's illness I have known that his illness was my karma, not just his karma. It would not be in my life if it wasn't part of my karma, but part of me still could not grasp this concept with my life. It's hard to explain to you. I knew it, but I couldn't own it. Does that make sense to you?
What the senior leader said to me helped me to really own this karma, and by owning it - I can make a fresh determination to change it.
She said that no doctor is going to "fix" Ben until I irradicate my karma of having a schizophrenic son...until I tear it out by the roots. She said it wasn't a matter of "upping my practice" or chanting more Daimoku. She said I couldn't rely on anything but Daimoku through the 9th level of consciousness...there the wisdom lies.
She said to use my Daimoku to create the call to the Universe to surround and protect Ben and give him whatever tools he needs that are essential for his life.
She said I need to go from Victim to Victor. She said it has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. She asked "How do you feel right now" Hopeless, frustrated, overwhelmed? I need to chant to change these feelings within myself.
She asked me to ask myself - "How can I transform my life to transform the life of my child?" She said I have mental illness in the karmic storehouse of my life. I must turn from feeling Powerless to being Fearless, Courageous and Joyful. I cannot allow the feeling of Powerlessness. I must become Bodhisattva Fearless Joy. And not be swayed by the day to day turn of whatever is happening. And goodness knows she is right. Right?
She also said to do shakubuku with the realization that I will help others...that I will open the door to let people tell me of their suffering. She said don't just pass out cards, really get to know people.
And I need to chant the kind of Daimoku that can change this karma. and truly believe that my life is more powerful than his mental illness. This is something that I do know, but from time to time I have had difficulty summoning this know-ledge.
I must turn karma into mission.
I will not be swayed. I will not be swayed.
She reminded me "Don't let anyone tell you it isn't possible." My life cannot be disconnected from the Gohonzon in any way. I must be focused on changing the karma in my own life...
She referenced the May 2012 Living Buddhism on page 24. (I'm not sure if I have that - I may have given it away) It said to chant with your whole life. Never lose heart. Activate the power of the Gohonzon.
She also said his illness is not a reflection of my faith. He has this karma because I have this karma. He chose to be born to me in this lifetime.
This is the beauty of getting guidance. Many of these things I knew on some level, but speaking with her changed my awareness and ability to connect with my own prayer and determination. I am once more filled with hope that I can change myself and fully access the power of my faith. I am less focused on finding the right practitioner to help him, because I believe in my heart that once I make this fundamental transition - this Human Revolution, that whatever is right for him will be there.
I share this guidance with you not as a prescription of any kind, but in the hopes that some nuggets here will help you transform your suffering. Last night I was able to summon forth a deeper resolve, a deeper prayer to make this happen...to turn from victim to victor...to dig even deeper to erradicate this karma from my life.
May 3rd is fast approaching. I am chanting in solidarity with all of you...with every parent...with every person who is suffering. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Let's win together.
Aaron, Ben and me - 3 years ago
