Here we are...

A year later..and so much stronger.

Think of how much I have changed.

A year ago
...my marriage was finished, had been finished for some time...but I was too scared to do anything about it. My whole life was on hold. It felt like it wasn't my "real" life...that somehow my "real" life would start only when I'd gotten the courage to make the changes I knew I had to make. But I didn't have that courage last year...no...not by a long shot.

...I had recently regained some of the weight I was always struggling to lose...it was going up...up...up when I started this blog.

...I was hobbling in pain, and determined to solve it...

...I was a "closet" writer. I had dreams of publishing and writing many books to help people. I'd seen how Buddhist parenting worked with my own kids, and what marvelous men they are blossoming into...all without ever hitting them, and without them fighting with each other. I'd seen how powerfully this practice impacted the work environment...and all my relationships. I always felt I had so much to share...but when I sat down to write a book it felt contrite...forced...and I lacked any confidence.

What I did have was hope. I had a practice that had seen me through life for the last 24 years...and it was time to really put the wheels in motion and challenge myself to chant two hours a day.

And because of the deep desire to have my life impact others...I started this blog, and took you all on my journey.

Through this year we went through some additional heartbreak...even Buddhists cannot avoid problems...or death. And as you know, my sweet Mommy died in November. And after that I realized with new wisdom, that my life was going to end too...and I couldn't keep it on hold any longer. I really could not keep my life in dress rehearsal mode any longer. So I summoned the courage, based on my prayers to access the power of the universe within, to put the divorce in motion.

And ironically I was laid off of my job...but the courage didn't fade...the courage had become a part of my life. And even as I am writing this I do not know exactly how I will carry it all off. I just know that I will.

And over the year...the heartbreak became less and less..the sadness still comes every once in a while but it is not as deep and I continue to challenge it with chanting.

And I stand here today with a whole new life ahead of me...one without pain...I hope!
...One where I live permanently seventy pounds lighter...
...one I share eventually with a new partner who will delight me as much as I delight him...
...and a blooming confidence in my own ability to live the life of my dreams as a writer.

It is no coincidence that my favorite publishing house...the one I always knew would be best for my works...Hay House of course...just established a self publishing arm. It took exactly a minute for me to decide to publish through them, Balboa Press.

So a new journey is beginning. After one year I have an entirely new life. I will still be blogging...and inspiring more and more and more and more...

A year of chanting!

What have I learned?
How have I grown?

I have challenged so much during this year of chanting 2 hours a day.

This month on the 19th I will face hip surgery to replace my right hip. A year ago I was not able to even think about this! I feel strong now, and I will be ready for this surgery...and it will help me to get back to hiking, dancing, walking!

I have greatly overcome the deep, deep sadness I used to feel all the time. I no longer live at the depths of my sadness. I have raised the level of the feelings I feel most often. I have turned a major page. I still have a ways to go...but there has been a major change.

I am in the process of creating a new life for myself.
At the moment I am working on turning this blog into a book...so you can read it from start to finish...and so that you can really benefit from it.

I am in the process of creating a whole new life for myself after the surgery. I will create a new job for myself and a new home. Obviously I can't stop chanting yet!

I no longer feel hungry for food all the time.

I am aware of many things I have yet to change.

Today I sat and wrote a whole new list of goals.

I like to start my goals with the phrase "Wouldn't it be nice if..."
I'll share some of them with you tomorrow~

Today is the day

It has been a year today since I started chanting 2 hours a day!
Gonna start chanting my 2 hours now, and check in later. I need to post some before and after pictures and give you all a full report!

Impossible? No way!!!!!

Here I am
Unbelievably here
In a body
My body!

Brand new

For my whole life
I struggled in shame

Unable to conquer for good
The urge to eat, eat, eat, eat -
never full...never satisfied
Knowing, yes knowing
That I was trying to fill the unfillable hole
But I had to obey-
Even against my brain,
Even Against my heart,
Even against my own
Smart, smart self
I had to obey
I searched endlessly
Every single day
For the foods that would
Quiet the screaming
Quiet the crying
Quiet the asking
Right in my own belly.
And I'd go to bed knowing
Tomorrow I'd be searching again
Even though
I'd wake up in pain...
Swollen, unhappy,
Pants getting tighter...
Hard to look in the mirror

Oh how I tried
You cannot say I did not try!
But defeat was always looming,
Like my life KNEW it was impossible
After every hard-won weight loss
The asking ~ the hole
Claimed dominion
Because it had to
Because it was impossible.

Then last year
July 27th, 2009
I said enough!
I'm about to enter my 25th
Year of chanting
Nam Myho Renge Kyo
I know
I possess the power
Of the entire universe in my life
I know
I am the Buddha
I know
I hold the key
I determined
To chant 2 hours every day
To make the impossible possible
And finally change
the karma left unfinished
The pain
Left creeping around in my life

Enough I said!

Be gone with you!

I am the Buddha

I will roar with
E faith of the lion king!
I will join with my mentor
Daisaku Ikeda
And my members and friends
And accomplish the impossible.
I vowed to be
Happy
Strong
Healthy
And here I am

A year later
In the thick of it.

Happiness? Check
so much better...
The endless ache
Is all but gone

Health? Check
About to brave surgery
That needs to be done
To free me to hike...
To dance...
To run...

And weight?
The pounds I always said separated me
From being who I am
Having what I want
Living how I want to live

Gone! Forever gone!
And the voice is silent.

Impossible?
Not anymore.
I have accomplished the impossible
Wile holding the hands of my fellow members
I have said
If I can do THIS
Then nothing is impossible!

What else can we do?

!

Gorgeous

What an incredibly delicious, fabulously beautiful day to be alive.

Heading up to Irving Park Road to chant at ILAC for two hours...then a massage and a District Meeting tonight!

Aaaaaahhhh

A Magical Summer

I am so grateful for this time.

The surgery is set for the 19th of August.

I am interviewing for jobs, but not too motivated since surgery is looming. I have no idea how long the recovery will be, so I wouldn't want to promise anything to an employer...and thank goodness, at this point I don't have to.

And I am here. With Ben, my 17 year old son. We're accomplishing so much and having so much fun and chanting together too.

Every morning we watch the Tour de France. And we've got it taped so we can fast forward through the commercials. We enjoy it together.

Today we cleaned out some of the boxes in the basement from Mom's apartment. Phew. We cleaned out several other areas also, and have more to do. By the time I get set to move out, so much will have been done. I know it will be a lot...but we are making steady headway and that is tremendous. And we are enjoying each other so much. Ben is gifted with an incredible sense of humor and comic timing. And I'm on pain meds now and not in as much pain as before...and we are both relaxed and having fun with each other...even while doing a task that is emotional for us both.

Today I am realizing what a treasure I have right here...right now.

I love my life.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo!

It has almost been a YEAR!

Almost a year since I started this blog...and began chanting 2 hours a day. I'm about to sit down and take a look at all the ways my life has changed in the past year. I can tell you one thing. I know I am not done, and I will continue this chanting. I can also tell you another...the deep, deep sadness has lifted considerably. It is not all gone...but it sure is better!