Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Digging Deep to change my karma!

I am digging deeper than ever in my prayer. I am open to changing my SELF, my NATURE, my BELIEFS in any way to open the way to changing my life and becoming truly happy.
I got guidance from Matilda Buck a few weeks ago and she said that in order to become happy I absolutely must generate compassion for my husband and view him as a "fellow sufferer" and start chanting again for him.
Now, many times in the past 25 years I have done this, believe me. However I always stopped when I didn't see what I thought I should see in terms of results. I never stayed the course. She impressed on me that you can't change what you run from...and no matter what happens...whether I stay or whether I leave the marriage, I must change the resentment in my life or I will never be happy. I must change the tendency to blame my outside circumstances for my own unhappiness and change from the inside first. Now, I KNOW this...I've KNOWN it for a long time. But KNOWING IT and actualizing it are two different things. Actualizing it takes courage, strength and faith. I need to let go of knowing or wishing how it will all turn out.
As is happened, her guidance came at a crucial moment for my husband. He is going through some really intense stuff at work.
When I started chanting for him the resentment lifted immediately. I always thought...well if He's suffering, HE should CHANT! I stopped thinking that way. For whatever reason, he can't chant. So I can do it for him. I have no idea about the outcome but I feel so much better already, and I'm sure he doesn't mind the fact that I am being nicer and more attentive. Stay tuned.
Also ~ I am more determined than ever to solve this pain in my hip. I have been chanting to find the RIGHT doctor who will know what to do. I am DONE with this pain. It is time to face whatever will come...including surgery if that is the solution. I have been exercising diligently, and going to PT every week, and I am still in pain. Last week they said it is a "frozen hip". OK. So I chanted to find a wise doctor (my last one doesn't work out of the hospital I love) and today I have an appointment with him at 3:00.
So far today I have chanted 3 hours and Melissa is coming over and we will chant more. I want to chant 5 hours before I see him.
My prayer (my VOW)is to:
Release my tendency toward
feelings of being unloved and unlovable
wanting to control everything.
I vow to replace these with the recognition of my own immense worth and knowledge of my own Buddhahood and power. I vow to strengthen my life and to fully recognize my magnificence and dispel doubt from my life forever.

Tall order?

Stay tuned!!!!

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