I am an entirely different person than the Jamie who first began chanting in 1985.
First of all, I really COULD NOT experience or see my own self worth. All I could see was how I did not stack up to the other people around me. I compared myself to others and always came up short. I was frightened of so many things...and whenever my wonderful parents would tell me how great I was I would cry, because I was born with a sadness that could only come from karma...not from any circumstances this lifetime.
What is karma? The sum total of all the causes you've ever made over all the lifetimes you have ever lived. How do you know the results of those causes? Just look at your life at this moment and you will see them. And the beauty of THIS practice is that you can CHANGE ANY of that karma. Right here right now. You don't have to figure it out...all you have to do is chant. Yes! It is that easy!
One good thing about my childhood...and young adulthood...was that I somehow knew in my heart that I could find the release from my suffering. I KNEW this practice had to exist. I KNEW there would be a solution to the unhappiness in my life...and I searched high and low for it. I looked in all the major religions...all the minor ones...various metaphysical teachings (wow - you hardly even HEAR that word anymore) and I kept saying "no, this is not it and I kept looking". Many of them said only the "enlightened" ones could be enlightened and that just made me mad...like there was some key you had to find but they wouldn't give it to you. Not for me. Others said that the CAUSE of my suffering was my desires...like somehow I should just get rid of my desires. But I LOVE MY DESIRES...they make me who I am. I kept searching until I found the one practice that says "earthly desires ARE enlightenment" and you can follow your desires. Bingo.
Now, at this time in my life....I have a deep feeling of the sacred, sweet, beauty and power that is my life. This feeling, this knowledge, goes WAY BEYOND "self esteem". I have faith in myself...I have faith in my life to deliver what I need. I KNOW my worth...and I live my life in happiness...contributing to others...being happy and spreading happiness. I bring it everywhere I go!
I am not confused...or sad...I am CERTAIN now. And incredibly happy. You can be too!
Your blogs always give me hope. I understand the suffering and the sadness. It takes time to work through it and I am meditating. It's not an overnight process! :) But, on I go...thanks for your insights you certainly give me hope and faith that my karma can be cleared and my path can be one of happiness and love. <3 Thanks!
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