Tuesday, September 11, 2012

My Friend Etjen's Love Experience!

It’s been a year and a half since I got out of a relationship with a pathological narcissist.  I can now start looking at the profiles on Plenty of Fish (an online dating site) without feeling of dread and repulsion in the pit of my stomach that was there when I started looking several months ago.
When I first got out of that near-death experience (jobless, spiritually and emotionally devastated, physically drained), I began a long journey for some serious self reflection.  How could I, a person who has done an amazing amount of self development work and chanting find myself at 50-something looking back at her relationship track record, finding that ALL of her romantic relationships have been unhealthy in some form.  I had them all, the whole range: – the physically abusive, the emotionally distant, the addict, the mentally ill and the personality disordered.  The realization was devastating.  I had wasted all this time struggling in dramatic love connections.  
I brought this discovery to my chanting and chanted to know what the lesson is here. The clarity came to me: This is great news!  I have so much street education about unhealthy relationships now – that I have so much to teach and help other people plus – there is no way I will ever find myself involved in a situation like this again! I now have a mission and a new powerful way to live emerged. Previously, I had a drive to be in a romantic relationship, always in a desperate search.  This time, I proceeded to do what everyone knows and that is to focus on myself and learn to truly love myself.   I declared a vacation  from all romantic endeavors for a year (something I have never ever done). We’ve all heard that before – “you gotta love yourself before you can love someone else”.  I thought I had already learned this one but this past year, I took it on like a real practice and got that lesson deeply  I’d look in the mirror and into my eyes with love and say out loud things like – “I love you”, “You’re great”, “You are really sexy”.  I’d do healthy things like eat well, chant, exercise, write, spend fun time with my kids, my girlfriends.  I paid more attention to  all the people in my life who love me, appreciate the great city I live in, kept my home cleaner, got rid of clutter.  I’d ask great questions of myself like “If I was my own best friend, how would I talk to myself”?  My self talk shifted – I found myself saying things to myself like : “wow, look how happy people are around you”, “You bring laughter and joy to people”, “It’s okay, don’t be so hard on yourself”, “you are really smart” and lots more.  These practices have really helped me cultivate a higher self esteem and sense of joy for myself and my own life.
Back to the "Plenty of Fish"dating web site!  Part of my mission is to create a great, healthy relationship.  After a couple of failed coffee dates, I chanted to meet that man who will fit with my newly re-established  life and stronger sense of self.  I met him a couple of days later.  Our first date was a Full Moon Hike a couple of months ago.  This is the first man I have been with who I describe as “sweet” (among other things).  When he said to me: “you are a beautiful person”, it felt like a vibration resonating with that love I had cultivated for myself, rather than something for me to argue with.  In that moment, I knew why that “loving yourself” thing is so highly recommended.
We have been dating for a couple of months now and there is still the crazy up and down “new relationship” experience at play.  Now however, it is in a context of balance and peace.  This self love that I have is the foundation and I am centered in a place that I have a deep sense of knowing that I am fine no matter what happens here.  If he went away, I would be okay – I would be left with a sense of gratitude for what we have shared thus far.  There is no more “needing a man to make me whole”.  A great saying I heard is “the man is not the cake, he is the icing.  Your life is the cake”.  

No comments:

Post a Comment