Last year I didn't even notice how quickly the cold came on...
because I was with you in the hospital...
day and night...day and night...
alternating between moments of rapture
cherishing you
and electrifying moments when the knowledge
first struck...
that maybe you weren't going to be able to breathe on your own.
And who would have thought
that just watching you breathe, still being alive, and warm,
would be enough for me...by your side...chanting for your life...
in appreciation,
for your future lights and energy and shine
Oh this lifetime Mommy...
I know it broke your heart
in so many ways...
and I know how much you loved your girls
and your grandsons...
And how I feel you now...beside me...
urging me to win over those demons we two share.
Feelings of hopelessness, and of feeling unloved...
knowing only to stuff them down in some way...
because they are just too painful to feel.
But I do this for you Mommy.
I vow to win forever.
I vow that this suffering has ended with me,
and that through my strong prayer
I have changed our karma forever.
I am not done yet, Mom,
But I won't give up.
I won't give up.
I won't give up.
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